First, societal taboos and ageist attitudes have led to a marginalization of older adults’ sexuality. No one wants to imagine people their grandparents’ or parents’ age having sex, so we cast out those thoughts. What we get as a result are limited discussions and representations of sex in later life; think of how few scenes we see of older people getting it on in movies and TV, and how often post-50 sex and Viagra are the butt of the joke for late-night comedians.
We’re all going to get older eventually (hopefully, anyway) but because we’ve stigmatized post-50 sex so much, we’re ill-prepared for the realities of it, Chavez said.
“There’s a lack of comprehensive sex education tailored to older age groups, leaving many individuals uninformed about the changes and challenges they may face regarding sexuality as they age,” she told HuffPost.
This all leads to misconceptions and curiosity about what sexual experiences are like in later life,” she said. “Overall, increased awareness, education, and open dialogue about sex and aging can help eliminate the mystery and promote healthier attitudes toward sexuality in older age groups.”
The heartening reality is that those who are AARP-aged are still having, enjoying and desiring sex, even when they’re not coupled up. Four out of 10 people ages 65-80 are still sexually active, according to a 2018 study from the National Poll on Healthy Aging. And whether or not they have an active sex life, nearly two-thirds of older adults said they’re interested in sex. More than half said sex is important to their quality of life, according to the same study.
To shed some light on post-70 sex, we asked sex therapists and people over 70 to share some things people should know about sex in the golden years. See what they had to say below.
Responses have been lightly edited for clarity and length.
Your need to feel desired doesn’t just disappear.
“I can only speak for my wife and I, but I think one of the biggest things not talked about is the drive for sex and physical enjoyment ― to be desired, to be wanted, to have that feeling of giving and receiving the physical, as well as emotional release ― never goes away. When we’re young, we don’t want to believe that old, saggy humans still want sex. But we do. Physical attraction and satisfaction, communication and personal hygiene are still important, even in our 70s.
There are certain things that have to be worked out, of course: erectile dysfunction, extreme dryness, pain and limited positions. But it’s great to be alive at a time when science has solved some of these issues with easy solutions. Drugs and creams for both women and men, as well as physical exercises and therapies, make it possible to enjoy sex at this late stage. I understand that there are many people at this age who have debilitating diseases or physical limitations that make it very difficult or even undesirable to have sex. And I certainly respect that. But there are also many older people, older than us even, who still want and have sex.
“I think the biggest problem is the stigma of being old, with gray hair or bald, saggy breasts and butts, means that there’s no longer a need for sex. When we were in our 50s, we thought that if we were alive in our 70s, we’d be done. To our pleasant surprise, it’s just the opposite.” ― Frank, 76, who lives in the Texas panhandle and has been married for almost 53 years
The frequency decreases but the quality often increases.
“I think the most surprising thing about sex after 70 for many folks is that it has the potential to be better than ever. Many of my clients in their 70s (and 80s!) report that while the frequency of sex generally declines with age, the quality improves. Sometimes this is related to so-called sexual dysfunction which leads them to discover new pathways to pleasure. For example, if penetration is painful or uncomfortable, they often learn to explore and enjoy full-body pleasure. Or if erectile issues arise, many folks finally discover that the hands, tongue, lips, toys and skin can lead to intense pleasure and orgasms in the absence of penile erections.” ― Jess O’Reilly, a sexologist and the host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast
Erectile dysfunction doesn’t need to end your sex life.
“I’ve dealt with ED for over 20 years. My wife could never orgasm with [penis in vagina] but now has at least two or three orgasms and often more. I guess you could call it advanced foreplay: I use my mouth, hands and leg to stimulate her. She then stimulates me until I’m finished.” ― Norm, 71, southeast Michigan
Aging may cause physical barriers, but there are workarounds.
“You don’t have to experience spontaneous desire to enjoy sex,” said Jess O’Reilly, a sexologist and the host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. “Aging may cause physical changes that don’t have to be barriers to having sex. Aging naturally causes changes in physical comfort and mobility such as arthritis, joint pain, or mobility limitations that can be addressed easily by using products such as pillows for support, trying different sexual positions that are less physically demanding, or incorporating lubricants to reduce discomfort which contribute to a more enjoyable and fulfilling sexual experience. Also, being open to experimenting and adapting to the changing needs of one’s body can help older adults continue to engage in pleasurable sexual activities. In older age, sex is less performative and more adaptable to experiences providing pleasure and connection.” ― Chavez
